So this last week or 2 things have not gone the way I thought. I have really struggled to write anything as it’s hard to think logically on so little sleep.
Firstly let me address a problem I come across regularly from people I love, yes I am very lucky to finally have 2 beautiful children after a long wait but that doesn’t mean I am going to like them all the time and I can’t complain about things related to them when I want to. Some times they are a pain in the backside! We never entered into adoption thinking everything would be rosy from the start, however some of our friends and family did seem to think that and have been added to my ‘pain in the backside’ list (it’s got quite long recently). I shared with some friends and family a link to a article called “10 things adoptive parents wished their friends and family understood“, I thought it was a helpful summary but wasn’t well received. That feels better to get it off my chest.
We have had some big challenges in the last 2 weeks. My uncle passed away unexpectedly so my emotions were on edge, never a good start, the boys were able to pick up on this especially as I haven’t had time to grieve properly. For a few weeks Tom (3) has been screaming at length over very small and inconstant things (teeth brushing, steps, flowers etc.), this we think is related to some regression and have been going with it (thanks to some lovely twitter people’s advice), we had just started getting the hang of this when it all changed. Last week Tom started to get really really angry, this cumulated in violent outbursts usually hurting myself or his brother (rarely daddy), this unfortunately was witnessed and affected some other children from church (the parents were amazingly supportive). We tried all the PACE stuff but he didn’t seem able to regulate himself and just couldn’t stop. Fortunately (or not depending on how you look at it) this coincided with a social worker visit who witnessed the dramatic change in our little boy, she was fantastic and went through some play therapy bits with him to help identify some motivation – he really wanted to hurt me. The social worker was quick to offer support from CAMHS which was such a relief, she thinks it is likely an attachment issue. We had spent the whole week feeling like failures unsure if we had understood everything we’d read right, it was great to get some reassurance. We are also really lucky that we had help offered so quickly, within the first week of violence. Now the violence hasn’t stopped but we feel more confident in doing what we do knowing help is round the corner.
James (1) has been sat quietly observing everything that’s gone on, the screaming, hitting, kicking etc. and in the last few days has started to think this is normal behaviour and tried to join in – ahhhh!
Then as if I wasn’t fed up enough already I find out a friend has used something she found out accidentally about our boys and been telling people without our consent. This had lead to some confusing conversations. Then to top it off the Tories are in power again so I can say goodbye to a decent education system and my job (I am an NHS professional).
After a frustrating few weeks I just felt like it was too much and I couldn’t carry on, I wanted to hide away, then they both show their winning smiles and give me an amazing hug and show real affection. Then when Tom was ill this week a friend took James for the day to give me a break and focus on Tom, it was a great relief, my faith in humanity was restored in a few simple gestures.
Today I feel like everything will be manageable in the end and that I am not alone. I also got the chance to meet up with a lovely lady to pray with from Home For Good using their local link up (here), never underestimate a real life person to share with who doesn’t judge you and will pray without prying.
Sorry it’s a ranty post, but putting it down helps me process it. Any survival tips greatly received!